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subscribeTop five reasons why I hate Notre Dame
posted: 12.03.09 at 12:00 AM
filed under: sports
Hate is such a strong word. At times, it isn’t strong enough.
Last spring, I chronicled ten different reasons that explain my contempt for the Chicago Cubs. I noted that I merely dislike most rival teams, and that there are few teams that I truly hate, aside from the Cubs.
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish are worthy of such scorn. If I were to summon any more energy to apply towards my hatred of the Irish, I would surely perish from extreme physical exhaustion.
Preventing another 9/11 is a total pain in the ass
posted: 09.11.09 at 09:30 PM
filed under: travel
It recently occurred to me that air travel is terribly inconvenient.
I do not travel often. It has been about four years since I have been on an airplane, so I am not familiar with the latest batch of regulations designed to keep us safe and the filthy, godless terrorists at bay.
My company is sending me to visit a client on the west coast next week. I am excited for my trip to the Silicon Valley: the land where dreams are made and bubbles occasionally burst.
I have never been to California, so I am quite excited about my trip to San Jose, a city whose name translates to “Without Jose.”
Fuck you, Jupiter Communities, part II
posted: 09.10.09 at 12:00 AM
filed under: personal
This is part two of my epic bitch-fest about Jupiter Communities, the miserable company that manages the apartment that I live in. Click here to read part one.
A few weeks after I moved into my building, the pilot light on my oven stopped working. When I turned on the oven, nothing happened. While I am an excellent cook, I find it difficult to cook a roast at room temperature.
I complained to the management staff. For some inexplicable reason, they were interested and engaged. Three days later, the maintenance staff visited my apartment to correct the issue.
After about 25 minutes of troubleshooting, they determined that my oven contained an electronic pilot. Since they did not have an electronic pilot on hand, a repair would take “three or four weeks.” I assumed that the nearest Maytag plant was located on the icy rings of Saturn, thereby necessitating such a lengthy delivery time.
Fuck you, Jupiter Communities, part I
posted: 09.09.09 at 12:00 AM
filed under: personal
While I’ve never been waterboarded, I am certain that it is a slightly more pleasurable experience than moving.
Few things are as torturous as packing up all of your material possessions into assorted cardboard boxes, trudging these boxes and furniture into a pricy rental truck, driving to a new location and unloading. It is a physically exhausting endeavor that is immediately followed by the mental anguish of spending weeks attempting to reestablish some semblance of organization your life and comfort in your new home.
For weeks, one inevitably feels like a refugee, sorting through a seemingly endless collection of boxes in search of a mundane item.
“Where did I pack the goddamn fucking forks?” I’ve shouted on several occasions after combing through four indistinguishable cardboard boxes marked “kitchen.”
Terrible fucking music from the summer of 2009
posted: 09.02.09 at 11:15 PM
filed under: entertainment
It pains me to admit that the summer is officially over.
In many ways, Chicagoans were cheated this year. June was cool and rainy, so summer weather didn’t begin in earnest until early July. Due to the fact that Mother Nature is a vicious raving cunt, Chicago residents enjoyed a total of approximately six and a half weeks of summer weather.
Before I finish writing this post, the leaves will have turned to warm colors and the city will begin salting the streets. Due to the abrupt change in weather, I would like to take this opportunity to reflect on the summer of 2009.
Music plays an important role in defining my memories of past summers. Each year, certain “summer songs” become definitive reminders of the specific year.
Fucking with Dell technical support
posted: 08.14.09 at 12:30 AM
filed under: personal
According to an old idiom, the squeaky wheel gets the grease; I am a sarcastic wheel.
I have recently been experiencing problems with my laptop. The warm weather has a devastating effect on the machine. After several hours of summertime use, it performs incredibly slowly.
Each time this has happen, the machine becomes astonishingly hot. Naturally, I assumed that there was a correlation between the scalding surface of the computer and its poor performance.
The problem was a minor nuisance until earlier this week, when my computer failed miserably in front of a client that I do freelance work for. I was absolutely outraged.
Prior to contacting Dell’s customer support department about the issue, I consumed a baker’s dozen beer in order to keep the conversation entertaining.
Things that I hate that everyone else seems to think are so fucking wonderful
posted: 08.05.09 at 10:30 PM
filed under: personal
As a highly opinionated person and a prolific writer on the Interwebs, I feel that it is my duty to express my disdain when I think something sucks.
Some opinions have become a part of conventional wisdom. For example, we all can agree that The Jimmy Fallon Show is horrendous. Likewise, it is not difficult assemble a group of individuals and reach a consensus that The Beatles are one of the greatest rock bands ever. While these are subjective statements, they have become generally accepted as fact.
There are times when my opinions are at odds with conventional wisdom. Whether in the realm of music, movies or fashion, there are many things that most people enjoy that I find abhorrent.
I proudly present a brief list of such items, entitled Things that I hate that everyone else seems to think are so fucking wonderful.
Angry Letters follow-up: Funny show, horrifying bill
posted: 07.28.09 at 09:30 PM
filed under: angry letters
My angry letters normally don’t get responses.
Two weeks ago, I sent a message to Bert Hass, manager of the chain of Zanies comedy clubs. I complained about the terrible service and the club’s practice of adding gratuity for parties of five or more.
Much to my surprise, Hass replied the following day. As promised, his message is featured here.
Angry Letters, part II: Funny show, horrifying bill
posted: 07.16.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: angry letters
One shouldn’t get pissed off at a comedy club.
The second entry in my series of angry letters concerns my expensive but entertaining experience at Zanies Comedy Club in Vernon Hills, Illinois. This message was emailed to Bert Haas, General Manager of Zanies’ four locations.
In the unlikely event that Mr. Haas responds, I will post his response as well.
No Doubt I’m too old for this shit
posted: 07.14.09 at 09:30 PM
filed under: entertainment
While I am a self-proclaimed douchebag, I am a pretty good boyfriend.
For boqueen’s birthday, I bought tickets to see her favorite band, No Doubt, play in Tinley Park. boqueen was born in late May, so it was a gift of delayed gratification. After weeks of anticipation, the show finally arrived on Saturday.
As a bloke in my late 20s, concertgoing is not a regular experience for me. When I was a younger lad, concerts were a regular part of my summertime experience. As I grew older, I became farther removed from radio play and popular music. I feel like an old man: I cannot recognize, nor enjoy, the vast majority of music that is played on the radio today.
Pop in a Sublime, Michael Jackson, Ice Cube or even a Beatles record, and I am good. Tune in to a Top 40 radio station, and I am lost. This is precisely why boqueen, who is several years younger than me, refers to me as “Captain Greyballs.”
