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subscribeMissing the good old days of Rod Blagojevich
posted: 03.23.09 at 12:00 AM
filed under: politics
Last week, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn (D-Pandering Populists) delivered the first budget address of his administration. He acknowledged the state’s financial predicament – an $11.5 billion budget deficit – and attempted to soften the blow of proposed tax hikes with unconvincing, trite rhetoric.
Quinn’s speech began with tired platitudes about corruption that have become the basis for his platform. After the foreplay of reform-talk, he began to highlight the details of his $53 billion dollar budget. He proposed $1.3 billion in spending cuts, but offered few specifics about the nature of the cuts. Next, he offered “ground-breaking public pension reforms” and, once again, pledged to run an open and honest government.
Finally, Quinn unveiled the centerpiece of the budget, the Illinois Economic Recovery and Tax Reform Act of 2009. The plan calls for a 50% increase in the rate of corporate and personal income taxes.
The governor used the terms “reform” and “tax relief” 30 times in an ineffective attempt to make the tax hike more palatable.
Daylight savings time is complete bullshit
posted: 03.08.09 at 09:30 PM
filed under: politics
Today, trillions of people around the globe practiced the timeworn tradition of setting their clocks forward to mark the beginning of daylight saving time. Tomorrow morning, many of these same people will feel an effect similar to jet lag when their alarm clocks ring and their bodies will have not yet adjusted to the time change.
Politicians justify the practice under the auspice of environmentalism. The time tyrants cite flawed statistics that highlight a minor downtick in energy consumption during DST.
This rationale is pure bullshit. DST is a relic of a bygone era and should be abolished immediately.
The grand plan to piss away all of your money
posted: 02.02.09 at 08:00 PM
filed under: politics
Tara is flat broke. She struggles each month to make her mortgage payments. She has over $17,500 in credit card debt. Her car might be impounded this week. ComEd just cut off her electricity. To make matters worse, every waking moment she is hounded by bill collectors.
Clearly, Tara’s financial situation has spiraled out of control. One night, she sits in her darkened condo, despondent, considering her options.
How Baby Boomers ruined America
posted: 01.27.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: politics
The inauguration of President Barack Obama (D-Nazareth) marked the end of an era in American politics. Baby boomers occupied the office for 16 years, a period marked by repeated failure and national embarrassment. On January 20, the torch was passed to a new generation.
By the strictest definition of the term, Obama is a baby boomer, as he was born in 1961. However, sociologist have recently begun to use the term “Generation Jones” to draw a distinction between people born between 1954 and 1965 and the boomers, which came of age during the tumultuous 1960s.
Please stop making “Bush is stupid” jokes
posted: 01.25.09 at 09:45 PM
filed under: entertainment
Open Letter to All Late Night Talk Show Hosts
To all late night talk show hosts,
I would like to propose an immediate, permanent moratorium on jokes that refer to former President George W. Bush (R-Big Oil) as an idiot. While I realize that this type of joke has been the bread and butter of your respective comedy routines for the better part of the last decade, these jokes have become trite and uninspired for several reasons.
The Bush administration was a nightmare for all Americans, one which we hope to soon forget. References to Bush – and his intelligence – pour salt on the collective national wounds that we hope soon heal.
Our long national nightmare is over
posted: 01.20.09 at 12:00 AM
filed under: politics
Today, President George W. Bush (R-Big Oil) will ride off into the sunset, to the delight of many Democrats, Republicans, Greenies, Libertarians, Constitutionalists, Socialists, Moderates, Independents and members of virtually every conceivable ideology. Bush redefined the word inept, which is reflected in his extremely low approval rating. The greatest irony is that the mess created by eight years of the Bush administration could take decades to undo.
I will not summarize the many follies of the Bush administration; many have already done so across the Interwebs. Instead, I would like to consider the possibility that in the future, his legacy may not seem nearly as terrible as it does today.
Why so much urgency in filling Obama’s seat?
posted: 01.13.09 at 11:00 PM
filed under: politics
Illinois politicians where whipped into a frenzy last month after Governor Rod Blagojevich’s (D-Shit’s Creek) arrest. In light of allegations that Blagojevich was attempted to sell the state’s vacant senate seat, they demanded swift action to fill the seat by any means necessary, preventing the governor from making an appointment.
The day Blagojevich was arrested, Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ethanol) said, “The General Assembly should enact a law as quickly as possible calling for a special election.” Days later, Lt. Governor Pat Quinn (D-Pandering Populists) emphasized that Illinois “needs two senators” to address “important issues” in Washington.
While it is ultimately a moot point in light of the impending seating of Roland Burris (D-Hundred Acre Woods), I am curious – why the hurry? Illinois has been lacking in Senate representation for quite some time now.
“Yes We Can,” revised for Illinois Democrats.
posted: 01.12.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: politics
For political junkies like me, the past few weeks have been wretchedly interesting. Illinois’ scandal spilled into Washington D.C. when governor Rod Blagojevich (R-Shit’s Creek) appointed Roland Burris (D-Hundred Acre Woods) to the United States senate. This set off a firestorm of confusion and confrontation, ultimately culminating with senate democrats relenting and agreeing to seat Burris.
In light of today’s events, I thought that it would be appropriate to write a speech on behalf of Michael Madigan (D-Madigan Dynasty), chairman of the Democratic Party in Illinois. This is a speech that could be delivered to all Illinois Democrats, touting their success in strengthening the Chicago political machine and extending its influence to the national level. The speech was inspired by President-elect Barack Obama’s (D-Hyde Park) acceptance speech that he delivered the night he was elected president.
Blagojevich’s Senate pick has nothing to do with race
posted: 12.30.08 at 09:58 PM
filed under: politics
Today, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-Shit’s Creek) selected former Attorney General Roland Burris (D-Special Interests) to occupy the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama (D-Hyde Park).
The embattled governor’s move took a great deal of chutzpah. On December 9, Blagojevich was arrested by federal agents for accusations of corruption, including attempting to sell Obama’s seat to the highest bidder. In the subsequent weeks, a letter signed by all 50 senate democrats was sent to Blagojevich, requesting that he step down, allowing his successor to appoint Obama’s successor. They promised to exercise their constitutional authority to prevent the replacement from serving. Secretary of State Jesse White (D-Tumblers) vowed that he would block a Blagojevich pick, potentially preventing the person from serving.
Much has been made about Burris’ race. Burris is a black man and Congress is comprised of predominately old white men. He would be the lone black senator.
Please stop using the “-gate” suffix to describe scandals
posted: 12.28.08 at 11:27 PM
filed under: media
Open Letter to All Members of the News Media
To all journalists and news producers,
Many of you have taken it upon yourself to dub the scandal surrounding Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich (D-Shit’s Creek) as “BlagoGate”. I respectfully request that you invent a different naming convention for scandals and refrain from using the “-gate” suffix in the future.
