Archive for the ‘entertainment’ tag

Decoded: “Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!” (Huffington Post)

boqueen and I recently saw "Black Swan" because, judging by the reaction on the Twitter, the movie was either a fetid, diseased pile of warm fecal matter or the single greatest piece of cinema since the invention of film.

My reaction to the film was somewhere in between those two extremes. While I found it enjoyable and entertaining, I did not find it to be some sort of transcendent experience.

That evening, I Googled "Black Swan" to read a few reviews of the film in a vain attempt to validate my own options.  One of the first posts that I came across was a piece from Huffington Post written by Tina Sloan.

Sloan is a geriatric actress who was cast in a very small role in "Black Swan." Her post, titled, "Seen ‘Black Swan’? Yes, I’m In It!" is easily one of the most pathetically pretentious and self-important collection of words ever compiled.

I have reprinted Sloan’s post below, in its entirety. The paragraphs in italics are the comments that Sloan carelessly omitted from the original piece, but go a long way long way to reinforcing the general theme of this awful post.

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Sandra Bullock had it coming to her

Sometimes, the news is incredibly unpredictable.

I was astonished when President Obama’s health care bill was passed. Despite the fact that earthquakes are now happening every 13 minutes, I am still stunned when another country is devastated by a quake. 9/11 caught me off slightly off guard, even though I had a job at the Pentagon at the time.

The collapse of Sandra Bullock’s marriage, on the other hand, was something that I fully expected to happen. In fact, I wish that I had found a way to wager on this when Bullock married motorcycle guy Jesse James in 2005. If I had, I would be enjoying a significant payout right now. I would probably be eating a lobster instead of writing this.

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Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part II

Previously on bokeen.com:  Season eight of 24 has been an absurd clusterfuck.  Fox decided to pull the plug on the show.  The terrorists have nuclear fuel rods.  Brian Hastings’ lower back hurts.  Cole Ortiz looked pretty while reading lines of dialog.  Renee Walker was officially declared a sexy creature.  Read part one for the full story. 

Dana Walsh (Katee Sackhoff) is a senior data analyst at CTU, a job that effectively amounts to “Lord of the Computer Geeks.”  Her preposterous and convoluted subplot has been a major part of season eight.

At the start of the season, viewers learn that Walsh is engaged to Cole Ortiz, and that she has an antagonistic relationship with Chloe O’Brian.  These innocuous beginnings soon gave way to the character’s increasingly ludicrous story arc. 

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Praise Jesus, 24 has been cancelled, part I

Jack Bauer’s days as the inimitable television terrorist hunter are numbered.

On Friday, Fox announced that action series 24 would not be renewed for a ninth season.  I was elated as I read Fox’s press release, despite the fact that I have often referred to the show as “The Finest Television Program in the History of the Known Universe.” 

Merely three months ago, I would have found this news devastating.  However, the quality of the show has dramatically dropped this season, making it clear that it is best for the 24 crew to call it quits.

The show chronicles the exploits of counterterrorist agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), a gritty, flawed and often reluctant hero repeatedly tasked with saving the world.  The first season centered on a plot to assassinate a presidential candidate, while subsequent seasons involved thwarting impending terrorist attacks. 

These diverse terrorist threats include, in chronological order: nuclear weapons, a weaponized mega-virus, nuclear weapons again, nerve gas, even more nuclear weapons, another weaponized mega-virus and, finally, nuclear weapons. 

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The Oscars meet the grouch

I am not comfortable living in a world where Sandra Bullock is an Academy Award winner.

Prior to Sunday night, the notion of Sandra Bullock winning an Oscar was unfathomable.  I now realize that anything is possible.  I would not be surprised to learn Paul and Ringo decided to reform the Beatles with Justin Bieber and Eminem as replacements for John and George.  If Dick Cheney defeats Barack Obama for the presidency in 2012, I will not bat an eye.

In recent years, Bullock’s name has become synonymous with terrible movies.  Her resume is a roll call of cinematic abortions, ranging from notable big-budget disasters such as Speed 2: Cruise Control to last year’s universally panned comedy All About Steve.  Movie review aggregator RottenTomatoes.com rates 23 of her 32 films as “rotten.”

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Chatroulette: Gallery of the morose

Have you heard of Chatroulette, the latest social networking sensation that is sweeping the Interwebs?

Of course you haven’t, because you aren’t as plugged in as me.  I am always aware of the latest trends on the Interwebs, because I am a social media expert and a bona fide SEM, SEO and web 2.0 marketing professional.  It says so in my Twitter profile.

Chatroulette allows you to strike up a video chat with random strangers.  Clicking “Play” puts you in touch with one the site’s hundreds of thousands of users.  If you do not like what you see, you can click the “Next” button to find a new chat partner.

To refer to Chatroulette merely as a “social networking website” is an understatement.  It is a social networking tour de force that opens a window to the world of the morose individuals that live on the Interwebs.

Armed with my webcam and a fifth of Captain Morgan, I decided to explore the Chatroulette experience.  After several hours of repeatedly clicking the “Next” button, I developed a strong understanding of the Chatroulette audience makeup.  Also, I got shit-faced drunk in the process.

 I would like to share my findings with you in the form of this spectacular gallery of screenshots.

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Farewell, Winter Olympics. I hate you and I hope that you never come back.

The Winter Olympics ended last night, and I am pleased that the asinine spectacle finally came to a close.

I am sure that millions of people tuned in to the closing ceremonies to watch the elaborate parade of athletes with funny European names smiling and waving.  I imagine that silly national anthems were played, and that Bob Costas said very positive things.  I assume that a torch was involved and that viewers felt a heartwarming sense of national pride.

The extravagant pageantry of the closing ceremonies is thoroughly uninteresting to me.   In fact, I despise the Winter Olympics as a whole. 

I can relate more to the summer games, since I have actually participated in many of the summer sports.  The sports in the Summer Olympics are simply more accessible.  If I want to play basketball, I can purchase a ball and a pair of sneakers and go to a nearby schoolyard.  A desire to run 400 meters could be quenched by stepping outdoors, after phoning the British Empire to determine how far 400 meters is.

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I’m not with Coco: The state of late night television

I am not a fan of Conan O’Brien.

Surely, my opinion will prove to be unpopular in light of the popular “I’m with Coco” social media campaign.  I will concede that Conan is one of the more talented individuals in the late night talk show business. 

However, since Conan’s field is a wretched morass, virtually devoid of discernable talent, this a backhanded compliment at best.  In many ways, the title of “Most Talented Late Night Talk Show Host” is akin to “World’s Tallest Midget,” “Most Honest Politician,” or “Most Celibate Catholic Priest.” 

For over two weeks, the Interwebs and old fashioned media outlets have been atwitter with news and commentary about the impending shake up of NBC’s late night lineup.  I found the contractual ménage à trios between Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien and NBC Universal President Jeff Zucker incredibly compelling.  In fact, I have changed my browser’s start page to TMZ.com, and I click “refresh” between nine and 215 times each day, eagerly anticipating the next twist in this amazing storyline.  My carpal tunnel is acting up. 

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There is no such thing as an extreme condom

Remember the Aerosmith song Livin’ on the Edge?

Well, living on the edge is for pussies.  The term “the edge” evokes the concept of a boundary, so the phrase suggests behavior that flirts with a legal or safety limit. 

Using this definition, examples of “living on the edge” would include paying one’s cell phone bill one day before service was disconnected, driving at the speed limit or falling asleep without brushing and flossing first. 

I do not live on the edge.  In fact, I absolutely obliterate the edge and refuse to acknowledge its existence. 

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Tiger Woods’ questionable use of his penis

I am thoroughly enjoying witnessing the Tiger Woods saga unfold.

This may seem a bit hypocritical, as I recently decried celebrity news outlets for continually churning out mindless drivel.  I make an exception for the tales of Woods’ philandering, as two captivating storylines have been brought to the forefront by the burgeoning fleet of women that have taken turns serving as the golfer’s personal semen dumpster.

Thanks to Rachel Uchitel and her fellow skanks, America has been given a behind-the-scenes look into the sex lives of rich and powerful men.  Celebrities like Tiger hire experienced pussy wranglers to gather a collection of young dames eager for their chance to mount a famous penis.  The ladies are treated to top-shelf liquor and a fun night out, and the lucky lad gets to pick the gal (or gals) that he will bed.

The women are treated like cattle in this extremely organized and businesslike approach to sex.  It is quite similar to high-end restaurants that allow you to pick your lobster from a tank, or your preferred cut of porterhouse from a silver platter. 

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