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subscribeThe commercial jingle penned by Satan himself
posted: 05.13.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: consumerism
I never thought that three simple words could haunt my every waking moment, driving me to murderous rage.
“Five.”
I cringe as I hear the solitary syllable. I chomp on the filter of my cigarette, bracing for the next words.
“Five dollar.”
My heart rate surges and I am overwhelmed with anger.
“Five dollar footlooooong.”
I reach my breaking point, grinding out my cigarette in frustration. I jump off the couch, searching for a knife to jam in my ear, rendering me deaf.
I have far more important things to do than wait in line while you buy lottery tickets.
posted: 05.06.09 at 10:30 PM
filed under: consumerism
If patience is a virtue, then I am a man of questionable morals.
I am exceptionally indignant when my patience is tested by the actions of others. I am an Extremely Busy Man with Very Important Things to do.
I grow increasingly impatient while waiting in line in convenience stores and gas stations. Citizens of Illinois cannot purchase lottery tickets without the aid of a cashier. As a result, I often find myself waiting in line behind an individual eagerly purchasing lottery tickets. Their transaction can last anywhere from a few minutes to several decades.
The sad janitor and the pyramid scheme
posted: 04.23.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: personal
He must be a former gang member.
All of the telltale signs were present. Arms and hands tattooed with elaborate images and Old English lettering. The scar from a stab wound crawling up his neck to his jaw. The wary eyes of a man who had buried too many of his young friends.
What was most telling was his voice. While his words were eloquent and thoughtful, he spoke in the cadence of a common street thug. The juxtaposition between voice and vocabulary was jarring.
Skittles-flavored vodka and The Epic Funnel Quest of 2009
posted: 04.04.09 at 08:00 PM
filed under: personal
This week, I decided to experiment with creating infused vodka. Infusion is the process of making vodka even more delicious by introducing an additional flavor. The vodka is steeped with flavor simply by soaking a fruit or herb in the liquor for a few days.
I decided to create two batches of infused vodka. I chose to use fresh lemon and, at the urging of boqueen, Skittles candies.
While Skittles-flavored vodka sounds somewhat odd, the internet has no shortage of recipes for the colorful drink; a Google search of “Skittles infused vodka” produces 3,750 results.
The recipe for Skittles vodka is rather simple: separate the Skittles by color, place the desired color candies into a container and dump booze over the candy. In a few short days, the candies will have dissolved, leaving colorful, fruity vodka.
The case for food desegregation
posted: 03.30.09 at 09:30 PM
filed under: consumerism
As Americans, we’ve come a long way in breaking the ties to our racist past, but there still is much work to be done. While we do have a black President, racism, both subtle and overt, is still prevalant. Nowhere is this more evident that at the supermarket.
Stroll through the aisles of any chain supermarket is the United States – Jewels, Dominick’s, Kroger, HyVee, it doesn’t matter – you’re bound to find certain products segregated from the rest in an “ethnic food” aisle.
The ethnic food aisle is usually a collection of foods that are far from foreign to most Americans. Ingredients for Mexican, Asian and Italian cuisine will often find a home in the ethnic food aisle. Each category is neatly compartmentalized into a group of shelves, touching each other but far away from the more traditional American foods.
This is the supermarket equivalent of the “back of the bus.”
What’s up with all the Jesus schwag?
posted: 02.22.09 at 09:00 PM
filed under: religion
I fail to understand the purpose of religious trinkets, such as “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelets, plastic Jesus Fish emblems and the Christian-themed candles that Mexicans are so fond of.
I am not a religious person – that is a topic for another post – but I do find these cheaply produced tributes to a higher power somewhat disturbing. I will not explore the topic of idolatry deeply; the Wikipedia entry on the topic is over 4,000 words long, making research far too time-consuming for my tastes.
Both Islam and Judaism forbid the artistic representations of their respective Gods. I can understand the Islamic and Judaic stance on this issue. If one is to believe that the world was created by an omnipotent and all-powerful being, how could a mere mortal fully understand the concept of the higher power, let alone create an artistic rendition of their God?
Aside from the concept of false idols and “graven images,” I cannot understand how inexpensive, mass-produced tchotchkes are a worthy tribute to one’s God. If I was the most powerful entity in the universe, I would not be impressed by the fact that you proudly wear a two dollar “WWJD” bracelet. I created the universe in six days, after all – trivial junk manufactured in a Chinese factory simply would not move me.
Pepsi’s identity crisis
posted: 01.05.09 at 11:13 PM
filed under: design
During a recent trip to the local Jewels, I happened to notice that Pepsi had out rolled a new treatment for its packaging and the iconic, globular Pepsi logo. My inane fascination with branding and logos compelled me to turn to the Interwebs for more details.
It turns out the PepsiCo overhauled the look of their most popular soft drink brands. Pepsi, Diet Pepsi and Pepsi Max sport three distinct logos and a new bottle shape. The nectar of the retards has been renamed “Mtn Dew”. Dew and Sierra Mist sport new logos as well. I will now proceed to lambast each of these decisions individually.
