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subscribeRetraction: Actually, I am glad that the Bulls made the playoffs.
posted: 05.03.09 at 11:00 PM
filed under: sports
I am seldom wrong about anything; when I am, it is notable.
Five weeks ago, I wrote that I had hoped the Chicago Bulls would miss the playoffs. I felt that a postseason appearance would give Bulls brass the false impression that the team was headed in the right direction, and that a potential playoff beat down would not be a valuable experience for the young team.
I was wrong, and I would like to retract my post from March 28.
Top ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part II
posted: 04.21.09 at 11:30 PM
filed under: sports
Click here to view the view the first part of this list.
5. Wrigley Field
To Cubs fans, the Temple of Fail at Addison and Clark is a holy shrine. To me, it is a piss-soaked relic of a bygone era that should be razed immediately.
I first attended a Cubs game when I was about eight years old. Ironically, most distinct memories I have of that day are not about the game itself, but about the bathrooms. The men’s bathrooms at Wrigley do not feature urinals like a normal, modern facility. Instead, male Cubs fans must relieve themselves in a communal trough.
As I used the bathroom, the urine of the man next to me splashed on the steel trough onto me. I found this to be utterly disgusting, since I do not share any sexual fetishes with R. Kelly.
I have too much self respect to use a trough for any purpose, as I am not livestock.
Top ten reasons why I hate the Cubs, part I
posted: 04.20.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: sports
Hate is such a strong word.
Many sports fans take very little discretion when using the word, to the point that the adjective has become trite. I love the Chicago Bulls, but I did not hate the “Bad Boys” Pistons teams of the late 80s and early 90s. As a Bears fan, I do not hate the Green Bay Packers many Chicagoans do; I simply dislike the cheeseheads. I do not hate the New York Yankees; I am merely indifferent toward the team.
When I use the word “hate” to describe how I feel about a team or a player, it is not hyperbole. And I truly hate the Chicago Cubs.
I am in the minority of Chicagoans; most claim to bleed “Cubbie Blue.” When I am asked why I hate the Cubs, I find it difficult to come up with a succinct response. There are so many reasons that it is difficult to provide a quick summary.
I have boiled down my reasons into a concise list of the top ten. By no means is this list comprehensive, but it will help you understand my distaste for the North Siders.
Without further ado, I am proud to present part one my list of the top ten reasons why I hate the Chicago Cubs.
Only douchebags hate on legends
posted: 04.09.09 at 10:00 PM
filed under: sports
On Monday, the most inevitable event in the history of professional sports became a reality: Michael Jordan was elected into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame. Jordan openly acknowledged his bittersweet feelings about the honor.
“I always want to be able to have you thinking I can always go back and play the game of basketball and put your shorts on,” Jordan joked. “Hall of Fame to me is like, OK, it’s over and done with.”
Jordan may only be half-joking. As a player, he was defined by his ultra-competitive nature. His desire to play – and win – is the primary reason that only his third retirement was actually permanent.
Many sports commentators were quick to mock the notion of a third comeback by M. Jeff. They believe that the rotund, 45-year-old version of Jordan couldn’t compete at the game’s highest level. Some went as far as suggest that he was essentially finished before he returned to play for the Washington Wizards in 2001.
Cubs fans are deranged masochists
posted: 04.06.09 at 12:00 AM
filed under: sports
Today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball. Opening Day is a consummate American event – like apple pie, the blues and the persecution of blacks, Opening Day is part of the Fabric of America.
I am fortunate to live in Chicago, where we are blessed with two baseball teams. While 131% of Chicagoans are Cubs fans, I relish in the fact that I am a White Sox fan. Side note: the Sox won the World Series in 2005 – suck on that, bitches.
I am amazed by the number of meatball Cubs fans in the Chicagoland area. I find that when I reveal the fact that I am a Sox fan to a new acquaintance, they treat me as if am a leper with stigmata and SARS.
I hope the Bulls miss the playoffs
posted: 03.28.09 at 01:45 AM
filed under: sports
:: Due to the historic nature of the Bulls-Celts series, this post was later retracted.
Thursday night, my beloved Chicago Bulls defeated the Miami Heat to jump ahead in the standings – the team is now tied with the Detroit Pistons for the seventh of eight playoff spots in the Eastern Conference.
I am in the minority of Bulls fans that hope the team tanks their remaining nine games of the season and fail to earn a playoff berth.
I have no reason to look forward to playoff basketball from the Bulls. The Bulls would be matched against the Cleveland Cavaliers, Boston Celtics or the Orlando Magic. I don’t want to watch LeBron single-handedly pimp slap the Bulls. I don’t want to see the Celt’s aggressive defense disarm Derrick Rose and company. And while it would be somewhat entertaining to see Dwight Howard make serial ass-clown Joakim Noah his personal bitch, I can do without a Bulls-Magic playoff matchup.
John Paxson: You suck. Go away.
posted: 02.16.09 at 10:15 PM
filed under: sports
Open letter to John Paxson, General Manager of the Chicago Bulls
Dear Mr. Paxson,
Last week, it was reported that you are considering stepping down from your position as General Manager of the Chicago Bulls. While subsequent reports offered few definitive details, the team did not explicitly deny the report.
If you are struggling with your decision, please allow me to make it easier for you. Please resign after Thursday’s trading deadline; your tenure as GM has been an unmitigated disaster, and it is simply impossible that the team will contend for a title while you are making personnel decisions.
